Do you remember?
by Shuri 'in a world of black and white
Summary: Do you remember how we met? Do you remember what we did? Do you remember how we ended up together? Because you being the stupid you had to ruin it all, and now it's so painful to remember.
1. Side: D

_Exams week right now, and I just finished my math and history. Aced them both, oh yeah! Lol.  
__Yeah, I know I technically should be studying, but you guys would rather have me writing than studying, right? wink wink_

_HA. Just my excuse for procrastinating. But really, I had a spark of inspiration in the middle of my history final, and you've no idea how much it was a creative writing essay instead of comparing the Romans with the Hans. Yeah. Really._

_So this is a DeaYza fic... a oneshot type thing, although Yzak's POV is still coming. Yeah, this is Dearka POV. Hopefully I don't have to wait for a month to update it. _

_Disclaimer: I bought the novelized version of Seed last week. Buying means paying money. If you own something, you don't pay for it. I don't know, you do the math._

* * *

You had no idea how much I loved you, and yet you slipped away.

And because of that, I hate you.  
I hate you for not letting me tell you that I love you.

I hate you, I hate you, I _hate_ you…

No, no I don't.

Or do I?

Damn, I don't even know anymore. All I can feel is pain and bitterness and emptiness. _Why_, why aren't you here?

…Do you remember the first time we met? When we were still small kids? You as the son of Ms. Ezaria, and me as the son of …well, my dad? I can still recall clearly how I thought you were a girl, and I made fun of you wearing a suit. You shouted at me, calling me an asshole, and that started a _little_ commotion in the middle of a dinner party, and we both got grounded after that.

……And then, a week later, I saw you again in my garden, and I tried to jump on you to scare you. Instead, you knocked me down with a kick, and after that, we somehow got along.

…Do you remember all those pranks we played together? Before you grew all stern because of all the tension, before all the deaths, before all the things they started to show on the news? Do you remember when we both could smile innocently, appreciate everyday life, and not be so engrossed with the war?

Do you remember when I told you that if only you were a girl, I'd make you my girlfriend? And then you flipped out at me after that? But we both ended up laughing until we practically choked ourselves to death?

Do you remember when it ended? I'm not entirely sure myself… It seemed like you laughed less and less, until all you ever did was smile, and _that_ too was so rare. I tried to get you to smile more, laugh like those old times, by making all those stupid jokes. It worked sometimes, but not often enough. I hated seeing you like that. It was like everyday, there was something more you carried in your heart that weighed you down.

Those crystal blue eyes became jaded, and every action you made was tired. And no, it didn't help that I was your buddy since forever. You tried to keep it all to yourself, tried not to show anything, tried to keep it all to yourself…

And you know what? _That_ hurt too. It didn't hurt half as much as _this_, but it still hurt a lot.

We parted when we went to college, since we wanted to go to schools in the opposite sides of PLANTS. I remember writing e-mails to you every night after doing my homework, sometimes _instead_ of doing my homework… I suppose _you_ never held off studying for my sake, did you? Hearing you say that you did would at least make me feel less like shit at the moment.

Of course, _you_ had to go and be the valedictorian, while I almost barely graduated. My father kept telling me to learn perseverance from you, but I laughed it off. Right now, I'd do anything to be with you again. Even if it meant going through those hell-like years all over.

And then, we met up again after that. We were…fourteen, wasn't it? I hadn't seen you in three years…and the first thing I thought when I met you was, _damn_, you were pretty. Not that I said it, but I guess my face said it all. You punched me _hard_, and screeched in public what a stupid bastard I was.

Life passed peacefully for the next year. You seemed a lot calmer than when we parted, and we started acting like adults for the first time in our lives. I loved watching you read books with your hair tied and eyeglasses on. I don't know. It looked cute. You'd probably kill me for saying that, wouldn't you?

It changed drastically when you decided to enlist in the army, though. When you suddenly announced that over the dinner table, your mother jumped up with pleading eyes, trying to coax you out of it. I just gaped at you, like an idiot, trying to comprehend what you just said. But you stood there, unwavering, eyes telling me that you've already decided.

When I told you that I was going to enlist too, you glared at me like you wanted to kill. You called me and idiot, trying to persuade me not to go. But then, I was not that green anymore. If you were going, I was going too… _that_ was final.

And those days in the academy that passed in a blur. It hurt watching you become so competitive, so eager to learn how to kill, how to destroy. I tried to cheer you up, but I guess it just added to the tension. You started snapping at everything, especially that Athrun Zala. I felt a little neglected, like all you cared about was him. I don't know why, it just hurt like hell.

But at the same time, I knew that our friendship was getting stronger…to the point of addiction. It was a hard time, and we all needed something to lean on. Something we knew would be there, waiting, no matter what. It was our source of comfort. I needed you, and you needed me.

Do you remember when that changed to something a little more than that? Yeah, _that _night.

See, this is where you're supposed to interrupt me with a smack on my head, telling me to keep my mouth shut if it had nothing better to do, the tips of your ears turning bright red.

That's why it's wrong. Nothing is the way it is anymore.

Yeah, _that_ night.

Near midnight, someone knocked on my door. I got up, wondering if they were doing room checks _this_ early in the morning, and if they did I was pretty much screwed. I opened the door, yawning, when something huge dropped onto my chest.

Not saying that you're huge or anything. I thought it was a huge cat. That's what I mean. It didn't take me long to realize, though, that it wasn't a cat that jumped on me, but it was you. I was going to tease you when I noticed how your shoulders were shaking, so I shut my good-for-nothing mouth and closed the door behind us.

It was then that you finally decided you could tell me what was driving you so hard. I never found what it was, but something that happened that day broke you down…and you know what? I thank god for that. Otherwise you would have killed yourself from all the tension.

Well, now that you are dead, does it make much of a difference?

It was fear, as you told me. Scared for yourself, scared for PLANTS, scared for your mother …and I almost jumped with joy when I heard this… and scared for me. You didn't want to lose anything. Then you started crying. I held you for a while, unsure what to do…but it ended up in a kiss. And much more.

Instead of you killing me next morning, like I thought you'd do, you blushed and thanked me in this teeny little voice.

After that, you were still snappy, and still easily pissed off, but you didn't have that edge anymore. You weren't going to break, and that made me happy.

You know, all I needed was you. I didn't want to go through any of this.

No, not that I'm blaming you. I just…I don't know. I'm fucked up right now, okay? And for _that_, yes, I blame you. If only you were here, beside me, I'd never have gotten myself in such a mess.

Why _did_ you have to go?

It was just another battle to get the day through…what we did to get our daily bread. Yeah, figure of speech right there. Anyways. But you…my god, yes, _you_.

You _knew_ I could've dodged that laser beam. Maybe with some major injuries, but I wouldn't have died. You knew that better than anyone. Why would I die before you? I totally could have gotten through that.

But you being the unpredictable, whimsical _you_, jumped up to shield me from that. And you being the stupid you had to take on that beam right at your cockpit.

How goddamn _stupid_ can you get?

I watched in horror as the DUEL fell apart. You've _no_ idea how long that seemed, or how that felt like. It was like being dragged into this dark, bottomless pit, falling, falling, _falling_. It was like my whole body being twisted, my heart torn out still pumping, like every bone in my body was crushed to powder. It was like… damnit, I can't go on. It was horrible. I still don't get why you had to do that.

Damnit, Yzak. Why do you have to do this to me? Why are you fuckin' dead, buried under that goddamn stone, cold, unmoving, _dead_? I hate you. I hate you to hell for that.

But then again, I love you too much to ever mean that. Or do I? See, again you're confusing me.

Yzak, come back. Right now. It's an order. Can't you see me killing myself for this? I need you here. What is life without you? What the hell did you expect me to do after you went? _What_? _Why_? Did you really think I'd try to continue living without you? Yeah, you always liked making high demands on other people. Damn you, Yzak.

Damn you to hell and back.


	2. Side: Y

I had no idea how much you loved me? Hell, you didn't know how much _I_ loved _you_.

And because of that, I hate you.  
You're standing right in front of me, and yet you do not notice. Neither do you let me go.

I hate you, I hate you, I _hate_ you…

No, no I don't.

And you know you don't either. Why else would you be standing in front of my grave for two nights straight, and just not fuckin' letting me go?

Damnit. You've been talking to me for two whole damn nights and you're still going on. You were crying, but now you don't even do that. And you think you have it bad? Think about me, my soul still bound here because of you, listening to every word you force out, watching every breath you waste away, while you being the ignorant you don't even see me, hear what I say in response?

…Oh yeah, you were always like that. Ever since we met for the first time. I still remember you calling me a tomboy, dressing like a boy when I was a girl… You've _no_ clue how much I hated you then. I had enough people telling me how pretty I would've looked in a dress, and I didn't need another one. You didn't realize that, did you? You just thought it was fun to tease me.

But then, I beat you up. Yeah, the memory of _that_ still brings a smile to my face. I _am_ capable of smiling, whatever you may believe. Since you stopped making fun of me after that, I guess I started to accept you more. We were the same, stuck in a porcelain world of politics where children too were tools, and yet so different…you being the prankster and me being the composed kid.

……The encounter with you changed everything. I learned how to have fun for the first time in my life… I never knew that before, did you know that? I guess you didn't. I was raised by my five hundred year old nurse, to whom tradition and proper behavior was everything. You were the first one who taught me how to climb a tree, how to catch a bug and slip it in someone's drink, how to run around in the sun playing tag all day long…

You were the first person who'd make any jokes around me. Like when you told me you'd make me your girlfriend if I was a girl? That was about the first funny thing I've heard in my life. As insulting as it was, I never knew anything could feel so real. So vivid.

How I wished I could be like that again. How I still wish I could be like that. Hell, how I wish I was _beside_ you right now, with you actually seeing how hurt _I_ am too! You being the stupid you only tell these things to me after I'm gone for good. Do you realize how much nicer it would have been if you told me this earlier, when I could actually get my reaction across? No, _of course_ you don't. Damnit.

You always thought you had to keep me smiling. Didn't you realize at all that I smiled less because I knew I was becoming addicted to your presence? It was like… I couldn't stand alone anymore. The more you joked, the more I needed you, the more dependent I was on you… and I didn't want that. But you kept me smiling anyway. Yeah, you and your stupid jokes.

I hated seeing those amethyst eyes trying so hard to sparkle while carrying hurt. And no, you wouldn't stop trying even when I told you to, because you thought you had to keep me smiling. I hated that hurt look, especially knowing it was because of me.

And you know what? That hurt too. Not half as much as _this_, but it still hurt.

And when we parted for college? Oh yeah, I remember that. I only chose my college because you weren't going there. So I wouldn't rely on you the way I did. But you'd write me e-mails every, single, freakin' day, asking me how life was and cracking jokes all over. If you think I didn't care, then you're wrong. I sat in front of my computer screen waiting like a hungry dog everyday.

Yeah. I remember that. I guess that would've made you feel less like shit right now, wouldn't it? Too bad you're ignorant that I'm still here, _in front of you_, watching you drown in misery…on _my_ account, again.

Not that college could ever last forever. We met back again, and guess what? Just another smile from you and I was back in that bottomless pit _again_. I don't know, I couldn't help it. That's how freakin' addictive you were. Just your presence was enough to elate me, so I stopped trying to hide me.

Those days were heaven, you have _no_ idea. I tried everything to keep you by my side, and I did succeed. But now _I_ was slipping away. I needed to get away from you, because I was drowning in you. This was about the time when I realized I loved you…so this time, I enlisted. If school was not enough to part me from you, the army should have been.

But you, yes, _you_, had to come with me. I needed something to hold on to, and I didn't care if it was killing or destroying or annihilating a town. I needed to hold on, and I didn't know I could've held on to you. And all the time you were there, watching me sadly with your violet eyes.

One night though, I broke. Heck, _I_ don't remember what it was anymore. Was it the realization of what I was actually learning, or was it something so trivial like you talking to some unknown girl? I don't know and I don't care. All I remember is that the wall I built around myself crashed down, and I was frantically knocking on your door, my heart threatening to tear into pieces. Then I poured out my fear…for losing, for drowning, for everything…

I soon found myself in your arms, embraced in your warmth, feeling more safe than I'd ever felt before. It was a fleeting moment. How I wish I was back there. How I wish I was still there! This is killing me although I'm already dead. You in front of me, calling out my name…I hearing everything, answering, while you don't see me, don't feel me…

If you can't see that I'm here, just let me go! _Please_… This is just too painful. If I can't reach something, don't make me see it…!

It feels so long ago that I felt anything but pain. I love you, and I _know_ that you love me. It's still so intense that it threatens to burn my non-existent skin. I can see it in your eyes…and if only you could see mine, you'd see it too. Do you realize how hard it is to stay without you seeing me? Trust me, it's more painful than losing someone completely. At least you _know_ I'm dead. But I know that _you_ are alive. I see you, and I hear you. But you don't. Like you completely forgot about me.

Don't even ask me why I did what I did. I couldn't stop myself. I _know_, I know only too well that you were perfectly capable of saving your sorry skin. I know that you are a competent pilot. _I_, of all people, know that. So don't ask me why.

I just couldn't stay there, doing nothing, while that threatening beam went over to you.

I just flew there. I didn't think. I couldn't. I needed to get to you before that laser beam got to you. I just…I don't know. You say _I_ confuse you? Hell, _you_ confuse_ me_. I seem to think logically whenever you're not around, but when you are, which is the closest it gets to always, my brain just shuts down.

Damnit, Dearka. Why do you have to do this to me? You keep shunning me out of your head telling yourself I'm dead, so just _let _me go! If you won't see me, hear me, feel me…then stop torturing me like this! Just…don't! Stop tormenting me with those eyes. _Please_. I liked them to sparkle, not to seem so empty like it does now.

Goddamn you, Dearka. I love you too much, and I need you too much…but…you love me too much too.

You tell me to remember all these past stories you tell me. But then, do _you_ remember when I told you that you were my curse? That you owned me, and you could do anything to me and it wouldn't matter? That you were free to twist my soul to suit your needs? You took it as one of those "hot, dirty nothings" we whispered to each other in bed, and told me that I owned _your_ soul then, and I could twist it into whatever I liked. What you _didn't_ know was that I was serious. And guess what it proved.

You're my curse to remain here, chained to my gravestone as long as you keep gripping on to my existence. Just accept it that I'm dead, that I'm gone, and go on with your fuckin' life! If you don't need me, then just please leave me alone. I'm not killing you, you're goddamn killing yourself. It's this endless chain we put ourselves in, Dearka. Neither of us can escape from the other.

_Do you remember_ when we were still carefree children?

_Do you remember_ those innocent times before everything became so twisted and heavy?

Maybe that was the reason why I killed myself with an excuse to save you. Maybe I just wanted to free us both from this unhealthy obsession we placed ourselves into.

Because, Dearka, we _both_ don't remember anything anymore.

* * *

_Well, so here's the second part. I wish you all like it too, although I feel like it lacks the initial velocity...  
Yeah, I liked the other chapter better. But since I couldn't make this sound better, and I promised the second one to come, here it is. Don't kill me for it..._

_Thanks to my readers, as always. For my reviewers, you don't know how much I enjoyed reading the last reviews. It's a nice feeling to have people encouraging me. THANKS AGAIN! _


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